10 Things Men Wish Women Knew
About Sex
Learn what he really wants in the
bedroom and why, with these genius sex
tips and advice.
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Freud called female sexuality "the dark
continent"; if that's true, male sexuality
could qualify as the dark planet. But
when it comes to sex, guys are simple,
right? Not true. The bedroom is one of
the great stages of male performance,
and as such, what you see and hear is
typically the role, not the reality. It's no
wonder, in trying to please the actor, a
woman loses sight of a guy's true
identity. Here are 10 "unmasking" facts
you may want to know:
1. We Respond to Praise
It's believed that men are so consumed
by our libido that we have no self-
consciousness surrounding sex. But men
are no different from women when it
comes to compliments as catalysts for
sexual confidence. This praise can be
delivered before reaching the bedroom
(give us the once-over and tell us how
buff we look), and after (give us the
once-over and tell us how buff we look
naked). Along those lines, men worry
about the size of their guts (and other
measurable organs), their hair (or lack
thereof) and other attributes. Try to be
extra affirming about those sensitivities.
2. We Fear Intimacy…
…but not for the reason you think!
Studies have shown that boys are more
affectionate, even more expressive, than
girls until they reach school age. At that
time, social repression begins—of words,
thoughts, feelings—and our desire for
human connection goes underground. So
taboo is this desire for intimacy that its
possibility can terrify men—not because
it's smothering, but because we realize
how desperate we are for it. What's a
woman to do? First, understand that
your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be
about his own shock at how much he
craves a connection with you (and how
much he's denied it in life). Then, retreat
a little yourself. This gives him time to
see that his boyhood habits are, in fact,
perfectly manly.
3. We Appreciate Sex for Sex's Sake
Having said that about intimacy,
sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex"
is the right medicine. According to Joe
Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and
sexologist, "Men want their wives to
enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take
it personally. For men, it's not about
dominating a woman, but ravishing
her." On occasion, try letting him ravish
you.
4. We Are Not Just Our…
The penis gets all the press, but men
have "many erogenous zones," says
psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD.
"Men tend not to correct women because
they're afraid women will shut down
and not touch them at all. But there are
many places a woman should touch."
Like the chest, the inner thighs and face.
Two other key areas: Gently gripping a
man's testicles can be a real turn-on, as
it blends control with release. Also,
stimulating the perineum, the area
between the scrotum and anus, will
heighten pleasure during oral sex.
5. We Encourage Fantasies
"Men want to share their fantasies but
worry their wives will shame or judge
them," says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr.
Schaefer reports that men wish women
would reveal their imaginings. Want to
open yourself to these possibilities? Try
making a game of it. First, and most
important, promise not to judge the
other; then, privately write out scenarios
that have tantalized you and place them
in a box. When you are next intimate,
pull one out. If you're both comfortable,
give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort
recommends asking the author a key
question: What about this fantasy do you
like? Sometimes, its themes can be
addressed in different, more comfortable
scenarios.
6. We Like It When You Talk
Talking during sex stimulates more than
our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty,
praising and instructive are great starts.
As amusing as it may sound, a woman's
words can make a guy feel as potent and
virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he's
a suburban banker.
7. We Need Your Honesty
Sex can solve the stresses of a
relationship, but it's often where the
stresses show up. If we complain about a
lack of sex (or your doing certain things
only on our birthday), we may be
overlooking serious issues that underpin
such withholding. We need you to
enlighten us. The male ego is often tied
to sex, so it's easy for us to dismiss
bedroom problems as female disinterest
rather than issues we have a part in.
Avoiding these problems, however, only
perpetuates your feeling unseen and our
frustration.
8. We Enjoy the Dance
Men like a good quest; unfortunately,
these days, there are so few. But
romance earns that distinction. Allow us
to court you; make us deserve your
desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional
point: "Emotional intimacy is about
closeness, but sustaining sexual desire
demands a certain amount of distance."
How do couples strike this tricky
balance? By allowing each partner to
have what he calls "separate sexuality": a
sexual life that doesn't include, but
doesn't betray, the other. "For him, that
might mean allowing his wife to use toys
or letting other men look at her; for her,
it might be permitting him to watch
pornography in order to experience a
fantasy." Such indulgences help maintain
the balance of desire and devotion for
both parties.
9. We Can Explain Pornography
Finding a spouse using pornography is a
top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr.
Kort, but it shouldn't be overreacted to
or pathologized. A few things to clear up:
1. Sex addicts represent only 4 percent of
the population, so it's unlikely your man
is one. 2. Because childhood experiences
influence sexuality as an adult, people
are very idiosyncratic about what turns
them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort,
"no woman can, nor should she, be
everything to a man." Still, the question
remains: How does a woman not take
pornography personally? First,
determine if your mate is compulsive, or
can only have sex, with pornography. If
so, you may want to seek counseling. If
not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the
secrecy out of pornography by discussing
it. Use the lens of "what about it turns
him on versus what turns you off." That
way, a dialogue is created that allows for
honesty, dignity and closeness.
10. We Always Need It, But Not for the
Reason You Think
Men are accused of being sexually
insatiable, but women should rethink
this. "Men see sex as a celebration," says
Dr. Schaefer. "They wish women would
take more of a 'carpe diem' approach to
it. We move through life at the speed of
sound, with multiplying challenges and
pressures. It's easy to allow demands on
our time and energy to rob us of the joy,
pleasure and opportunity that sex
affords us. On the long list of priorities,
it should not be on the bottom rung." If
that doesn't make you want to "seize the
day" (or something else), consider the
health benefits: Orgasms release
oxytocin, which has been called the
"bonding hormone," bringing couples
closer together while it alleviates anxiety
and stress, reduces blood pressure and
promotes healing.
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